Otter Fodder

Goodbye Scarlett O’Hara waistline, it’s been real.

Goodbye Scarlett O’Hara waistline. I have never been a breakfast person. Breakfast after a night of seriously hard drinking and dancing until four o’clock in the morning, yes, but not the moment I regain consciousness every damn day. To me, the very meal is a chore, a chore that I have no patience for at some ungodly hour before the sun has risen. Give me a cup of tea and possibly a corner of toast or two?

Scarlett Eating

But I have taken on this project and I will see it through, without the most enviable waistline for miles around. Yes, the point is to get bigger. Yes, I knew this would happen. No, I haven’t settled with the fact that it is, in fact, happening at this moment. I’m just going to mourn a little while longer as I stare into the distance… remembering… and trying to cram every last bite of this breakfast down my gullet.

This week has been all about eating. According to an article published in the April 1954 issue of “Tomorrow’s Man” eighteen year old Larry Mead, who was no longer seeing results from his father’s weight lifting program, sought out the help of (supposed? I’m assuming dietician) Mr. Johnson.

SAMSUNGWho this vague, shady, mysterious Mr. Johnson is I couldn’t tell you, but apparently he had a “Method”. His plan of attack, more food! An increase in calories combined with a strict “rest” policy (obviously this kid didnt have a job because this lasted weeks) would help Larry increase muscle growth; sounds to me like they were prepping his liver to be made into delicious Foie Gras. Unfortunately I do not live in Larry’s carefree world of muscle inducing leisure. I have to go to work. That being said, I have still found time to consume more calories than I usually would.

Easing and eating myself into this plan for me has been key. I’m not a teenager anymore, I realized when I said to myself “let’s start with some basics before getting all cray cray.” bad idea for someone who now works at a desk. Suddenly I was having high school flashbacks of my Phys Ed. teachers Mr. Thunberg and Mr. Moyer screaming out “SQUAT THRUSTS!” as we performed our “Suicides” (do they call them that in high school anymore?) At one time it was nothing for me to blast out three sets of twenty five pushups, “easy” I said. Nope, the day after my chest and shoulders were so damn sore it hurt to put on my coat! Other basic exercises have had less shocking results, although I did feel the burn, and I have decided my favorite muscles are my triceps; odd choice considering most people focus on abs and pecs. I think they’re just fun to workout, dipping up and down, a perfect exercise for teabagging and they look great too! I cannot wait for my arms to be as ripped as Madonna’s.

Madonna arms!

Last week I mentioned I was looking forward to a lot of meatloaf in my near future, I wasn’t lying. Last night my roommate Dale made a DELICIOUS loaf wrapped in bacon that we ate before tuning in to American Horror Story starring the incredible Kathy Bates. Next week I will be making my famous “Kathy Bates Loaf” a recipe culled from the film “Misery”. It’s a basic loaf with a surprise ingredient… SPAM! You heard me right, Spam the ingenious product that made its way onto the shelves in 1937 and I’m pretty certain holds the place as the state food of Hawaii.


So week one has come to an end. Next week I’ll be working even harder as I get into the swing of things. It’s been interesting is all I can say. Now I’m off for a visit with the parents. I can take my calisthenics routine with me and an appetite… hey, maybe I can con my mother into taking a trip to my favorite diner this weekend when I’m visiting.It’s called “Town Hall” and they make a damn good breakfast. My favorite, the Shit On A Shingle… Maybe I might end up a breakfast person after all, eh?

The Otter