Every year people pick January 1st as the magic day where all of a sudden they are going to change years upon years of lifestyle choices. And guess what? It never works. Because if you really cared, you would have started months ago and not waited for some arbitrary day to change who you are for the better. Let’s be real here. You are bound to fail.
1. The Gym
January is probably the worst month for people who go to the gym year round. All of a sudden, there’s an influx of fitness n00bs who think they know what they’re doing and taking up precious rack space. These people are known as January Joiners. Can we just skip the whole thing and get to the part where you give up after 3 weeks, please?
2. Your Diet
People seem to think they can undo a lifetime of shitty dietary choices overnight. Here’s a tip. Getting a diet soda instead of a regular Coke and a salad smothered in ranch dressing instead of a burger isn’t going to help much. You are still incredibly unhealthy. And there’s a fairly high chance that as soon as you don’t see an immediate decrease in your weight after like a week and a half you’ll give up anyway saying that you tried eating healthy but it just didn’t work. This is because you’re impatient and noncommittal. You’ll be shoveling doughnuts into your face again in no time.
3. Being Productive
Ahh yes, this one. It’s time to get shit done. No more slacking off. You’re not going to stay up until 4 AM doing absolutely nothing anymore. You’re going to wake up bright and early to start your days and be productive! Yeah, keep telling yourself that. In a week you’ll be sleeping through your alarm and have a half toasted waffle hanging out of your mouth as you’re running out the door to get to work or school on time.
4. Smoke and Drink Less
Some of the other things on this list are hard enough, and they don’t possess near the addictive qualities that smoking and drinking do. Now, if you can do this one, then more power to you. I’m not saying don’t try. But let’s see how long you go without a cigarette or a beer after a few shitty and stressful days at the office. Everything’s going great until Carol from HR is on your ass about something. Next thing you know you’re chain smoking a pack and cursing her existence. Plus, how will everyone know how cool you are if you quit these things?
5. Save Money
Saving money is a commendable thing to do. The only problem is this… There’s way too much fucking cool stuff out there that you could be buying instead! What are you going to do? Put some money aside so you can have a nice retirement when you’re older? Hell no. You’re going to go buy a bunch of useless shit because you’re a materialistic jackass who thinks the way to win at life is by getting more crap than the guy next to you.
6. Pick Up a Hobby
Hobbies are cool. Not only do they keep you active and productive, but they generally produce some sort of benefit, as well. Take knitting. You’re doing something with your time, but you also end up with some awesome scarves and mittens afterwards. It’s a win-win. The only problem is, like with the diet, you will not receive any instant gratification with most hobbies. Hobbies take time to get good at. You need to practice and put effort into it. These are things that most people don’t like. So once again, you’ve failed at yet another resolution.
7. Be More Personable
So you’ve decided it’s time to start being a more pleasant person. You’re just always so angry and unapproachable. You want to change. You want to start being nicer to people and more accepting. That’s awesome. Good for you. We’ll see how long that lasts when you’re stuck in a traffic jam or some asshat cuts you off. You’ll be back to being a negative curmudgeon in no time at all.