I loathe the holiday season. From November 1st until December 30th of every year, I become the most hateful, crotchety crone on the eastern seaboard. Going out and dealing with other humans in general can be painful enough. Turn down the outside temperature and cram a bunch of hustling spenders into a shopping center, and downhill I go into a deep, black hate.
Every holiday season, I stop listening to the radio and listen almost exclusively to stand up comedy albums until the New Year. Since 1999, the weeks leading up to Christmas are filled with the wisdom of the best comedians, particularly the late George Carlin. The 7 Dirty Words You Can’t Say on Television (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits) still delights me, especially during this frigid weather and commercial holiday bullshit. It’s only fair that I attempt to spread the holiday cheer by sharing with you the best of foul-mouth crafts available for gift-giving this holiday season. Welcome to the 7 Dirty Words You Can’t Say on Television, But You Can Definitely Buy on Etsy: A Holiday Gift Guide.
There is a lot of “shit” shit on Etsy. Many of the current items feature the phrase “Shitter’s Full” from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Good movie, but I need something a little more unique than that. Behold, the only throw pillow I could ever care about:
I hate throw pillows and I don’t care for pigeons either. However, this combination makes me bitterly inclined to feel better about both gross P-letter things. The pigeon pillow is available from The Babbionz. I should also mention that The Babbionz shop has these fingerless Joy Division gloves too.
I had to wade through so much “Don’t Piss Off the Faeries” dreck to find this gem of pop culture ephemera. I’m don’t really care to wear graphic tees, but hot damn! This shirt from Plan 9 T Shirts is worth an exception to the rule:
Yes, that’s R. Kelly. Click here to buy one for yourself and one for me. And here’s some other genius for those of you who already get the joke:
Now, there’s quite a bit of “fuck” on Etsy, mostly on tees and jewelry. However, as a Philadelphia resident, I am elated to present this “Springtime Means Fuck SEPTA” poster from fellow Philthy resident James Heimer’s Esty shop:
However, maybe you don’t live in Philly or simply love SEPTA. I have another option for you. How about a handmade “Fuck Off” doily?
Cunt is one of those words that just verboten in most contexts. Personally, I’m a bigger fan of “cunt” than “pussy.” Not even if we’re talking about a sweet, snugly kitten do I EVER want to hear the word “pussy.” And I certainly wouldn’t put out coasters with that word on them. But cunt coasters? Hell yeah! Look at this brilliance from (also Philadelphia-based) The Terrible Ones:
The great thing about these coasters, besides the awesome illustrations, is that you can scatter them about and your guests might not even realize you have handmade cunt all over your tables! They’re a perfect resting place for your “Fuck This Shit” mug.
On the other hand, maybe you want to boldly show your cunt off to the world:
For all of the cock sucking that happens on Earth, apparently not much cock sucking happens in crafting. However, there is a couple’s friendly set of mugs you can order from 13Fields:
Now we come to the Grand Dame of swear words. I expected big things from Etsy for such a heavyweight word. I was underwhelmed with the amount of motherfucker goods, but totally amazed to find this baby onesie:
Biased, Baby has a variety of sassy clothes for a baby.
Tits (The Word That Doesn’t Even Belong on the List)
Now, George Carlin might not have thought that “tits” belongs on the list of dirty words, but I know plenty of people wish for them daily. Why not send your pal this Christmas postcard to whet his or her appetite for more? (This is perfect for emja.)
But if you like your tits with a little tongue in cheek, then this “A Pair of Blue Tits” cross stitch kit should be right up your alley:
Seller GeckoRouge has a drool-worthy assortment of spooky and fun needlepoint kits, as well as jigsaw puzzles, in the Etsy shop as well. Cross stitch is tedious business, but this tit kit alone make me want to get back into it.