(March 21- April 19)
Swallow your pride and make up with someone this week. If it’s your significant other, swallowing something else will also probably help.
(April 20 – May 20)
Be careful this week not to sound like an arrogant prick at work every time you open your mouth. The end of the year is coming up, pretend you like your job and be jolly.
(May 21 – June 20)
Everything is going in your favor this week. Buy some lottery tickets, or better yet, call out of work and fly to Vegas. All on black, baby.
(June 21- July 22)
Try to be a little less racist this week.
(July 23 – Aug 22)
Hit the gym. You put on a few pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday, and people are starting to notice. You are going to want to work off those extra calories before the Holiday parties start and Christmas cookies and eggnog start flowing.
(August 23 – Sept 22)
If you are still a virgin, go to the bar or call a hooker and get laid this week. Really, it’s OK. The stars want you to. So do your parents.
(Sept 23 – Oct 22)
If you see flashing lights behind you, pull over. When the cops ask for your papers, don’t ask them if they are providing the weed.
(Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Put down the Candy Crush and look up from your phone this week. You will be surprised at the attractive blonde you see every day and never notice sitting right next to you.
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
If you are having conflicts at work or in your life, take a step back, a deep breath, and then talk it out. There may be some miscommunications going on and people may not get you. Or you may be right and they are all assholes.
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Do something crazy this week to feel young again. Go rollerskating. Go bowling. Drop some molly. Whatever you’re into.
(Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Stop wasting your time going to work. Your job is not for you, no one likes you, and you should quit.
(Feb 19 – March 20)
Remember that bucket list you started? Finish making it this week, then you should probably get started on the list, like now. Not that you have anything to be worried about though…