Entertainment, Pulp

Come on, Harriet Carter, What the Hell?

We’ll start out slow and easy.



Cami Secret  $10


Someone Who Actually Bought This Shit Says: “Cami Secret keeps your “cool” clothes cool without being obviously “added on as a cover up”. A smooth natural look.” – So Cool Now

We Say: Props to you if you don’t get these confused with thongs as first glance; camisoles are less expensive; good find, cousin Eddie; cleavage is a gift, dammit.



Polka-Dot Doggie PJs $15


SWABTS Says: “Love the look, but the back legs keep coming off of my chihauhau. I have tried everything to keep them on.” – wenleedan

We Say: OMG wenleedan, get your Chihuahua a medic, they might prefer stitches over pajamas but guaranteed his/her little legs will stay on.



Kegel Exerciser $23


SWABTS Says: “every one needs this product its a god send” – rick james

We Say: Kegels can be a Godsend. Strengthens the sexual muscles, nah mean? No idea if the men in the office would be caught with this but, wait, am I actually commenting on this thigh spreader??!! It scares me and there’s no way I’ve been doing kegels wrong so I can tell you Harriet Carter and I have different definitions of kegels.



Hygiene Refresher $13


SWABTS Says: “Great for the use it was intended for, but also a great source for cleaning window ledges.” – Rene

We Say: Also great for long-distance hot dog condiment decorating and creeping the fuck out of your roommate in the shower.



“Fanny” Bank $15


SWABTS Says: “I bought this bank for a neighbor of mine who is 11 years old. He does little jobs areound my house and yard and i give him money which he now puts in his fanny bank. He really likes the bank.” – Karyn

We Say: Firstly, Karyn, I feel like that’s inappropriate. Secondly, I’m starting to see an obsession with butts at Harriet Carter.



Butt Putt Practice Putter $20


SWABTS Says: “My grandson just turned 10 years old and is just starting to play golf.He is very verbal when he passes gas.This was the perfect gift for him.He is having a ball playing with it.” – Denny

We Say: Obsession confirmed.



Mascara Shield $6


SWABTS Says: “It is useful in keeping the mess off the face.” – Ungifted make-up artist

We Say: What kind of “the mess” off the face are we talking about? Just wondering here, will this prevent all sorts of “messes” on the face? Cough. Has this been tested extensively?




Facial Hair Remover $7


SWABTS Says: “Way too much pain for this older lady, and it did not remove the hairs on my chin, did as good a job as I could stand on my upper lip but WOW THE PAIN WAS AWFUL. No I would not buy it again or advise anyone else to buy it, sorry but that is my experience with this item.” – beej

We Say: Just so everyone knows, that’s a little jump rope of pure metal that is a miniature coil that you then rub up and down the hairs on your face. They rip them out. And yet, somehow it’s not being marketed as a Kindergartner’s torture device?



NFL Gloves $20


SWABTS Says: “The most colorful NFL/Packer pom-pom gloves available. Nice bright team logo. Gloves are a soft texture. I am sure we will have to be careful hand cleaning to preserve the pom-poms. Not recommended as gloves for very cold outside weather.” – zchkai

We Say: Dreams of becoming a cheerleader in high school but being plagued by braces are over, thanks to these amazing sewn mops of felt. Not all teams available. Damn.



Squirrel Tee $15


SWABTS Says: “I like the shirt but am afraid the decal will wash off quickly. As to the next question, I rarely recommend anything for fear of repercussions.” – carb1

We Say: Why did I sign up to make this stupid list, I’m getting a headache. Squirrels are fine I guess.



Garden Hands $15



We Say: Has anyone used these for swimming yet?



Wiper Glasses $13


SWABTS Says: “The glasses are fine and I have had a lot of fun with them. We have had no rain, so I have no idea how they work. Keep up the good work.” – none

We Say: Ugh. So done with this list.



Internet Logbook $8


SWABTS Says: “This is the perfect way to keep tack of all my passwords for the computer. I have email. I have the Face Book. I have the Twitter. I have YouTub. I have Goggle. I have Pininterest. I have match.com. So many more I cants tink of now. How do I keep track of them all? Whoever thought of this notebook for passwods was very bright. Great idea! Tanks Harriet Carters for selling it to me.” – Connie Gillespie

We Say: Are you fucking kidding with this shit? I’m all for keeping passwords handy, but let’s just completely advertise it for any kid/roommate/burglar/stalker who wants your bank digits and porn subscription specs.



Perfect Polly $10


SWABTS Says: “No screw to the battery plate. Doesn’t sit on the perch, it keeps falling over. Sending it back.” – Janie

We Say: You purchasers have made my brain shut down.



King-Sized Cards Set $10


SWABTS Says: “My daughter saw these in the catalogue and added to her x-mas list. Great quality but like a few others said the packaging is bland and not sturdy. Will need to purchase a case.” – ghostiegirl

 We Say: …this is actually cool as shit. And would take Golf to a whole ‘nother level.



About emja

Emja* was born in Björk’s house in Iceland and grew up on Easter Island, where her parents were giant stone heads. She has the ability to fire beams of tacos out of her hands and she can turn her legs into tigers. On Sundays, Emja enjoys reading Family Circus and traveling through time. Her favorite color is greenish-transparent and her favorite movie is the one you just watched. Emja is in charge of uploading the staff bios to the website, and no one has checked over her work. *name has been changed