Fifty Shades of Grey Has Wine and It Will Get You Drunk

I’m the wino of the group. One person on staff sells wine and tastes it or whatever, but she hates it, so I’m head varietal of the vino freaks. So putting two and two together, Fifty Shades of Grey and some wine inspired by the craze (that I still don’t understand) means let’s-all-get-tipsy-at-work-and-review time. The white is called White Satin. The red is called Red Silk. Clever.

The trouble was finding the fuckers bottles nearby. What with the geographically-biased liquor laws and who was going to carry the boutique drink (if you live near an Albertson’s though, you’re in luck), I had to get down to Carmen Sandiego-style stalking. Which means I gave up on calling places and begged my local store to just order it. Win. And they would sell it to me (okay, anyone who wanted it) for two bucks cheaper than the retail price (which is $18). Win win.

Since wine flows through my veins on the norm, the most surprising statistic of this mass review was that haters be hatin’ in this office toward the grape goods. They pretty much feel timid toward wine in general. You know that saying, “well fine, now there’s more for me”? Took full advantage.




Here are your numbers and overall specs on the Fifty Shades of Grey wine, with some honest-to-goodness direct quotes from editors.




“Fairly dry…not too acidic”

– kyle (second favorite type of alcohol)



– andrew (can’t drink red wine)


“I usually hate red wine, this I didn’t”

– robyn (sells wine apathetically)


“Red. Dry. Strong. Decent aftertaste”

– josh (KnowledgeStorm)


“Red. Vinegar. Gross”

– danny (forced taste tester)


“Bitter…yet moldy. Fifty shades of suck”

– dee (bad-day drinker)


“Very smooth flavor, pretty easy to drink”

– ryan (not a huge wine person but not against drinking it)


“Too dry and too strong for me. Not so good as the white one”

– jessica (you’ll like it, it’s sweet)


“Tannin overload, good God it’s staining the paper cup”

– heather (thinks she’s a sommelier)


“This is the first time I’ve liked a red over a white. Not sweet but fruity”

– pat (hard liquor trumps alcoholic grapes)





“Easy to drink, a tad too sweet”

– kyle


“It’s delicious! With notes of apple!”

– andrew (this he loves)


“Too sweet for me”

– robyn


“White=good. Smooth. Soft”

– josh



– danny


“Very sweet and non-descriptly fruity — I like a lot, but wouldn’t have more than one glass unless I needed to clean the house. Then the whole bottle will do : )  ”

– dee


“Very tasty, could sit and drink all night”

– ryan


“Really nice white. A little bit sweet and I love it”

– jessica


“This shit tastes just like summer. Lychee stands out. Like syrup-sweet but not. I’m confused”

– heather


“I like white normally but this is nasty to me”

– pat




Bottom line, there is no bottom line agreed upon. The staff seemed hella apathetic or turned off to the red, and leaned toward fighting for the whole bottle of the white. So, if you’re (most likely), like them and tend to be just an occasional drinker with a penchant for Bota Box wine or Yellowtail, this would be your equivalent of high-class table wine. Meaning it would be great for holidays. I would totally gift it, because I think the tastes are how red and wine are commonly seen — strong red, slightly sweet white. Plus, this shit will get you drunk. 13.5% alcohol on both of them. High alcohol and controversial topic means PERFECT FOR FAMILY HOLIDAY DINNER.


About emja

Emja* was born in Björk’s house in Iceland and grew up on Easter Island, where her parents were giant stone heads. She has the ability to fire beams of tacos out of her hands and she can turn her legs into tigers. On Sundays, Emja enjoys reading Family Circus and traveling through time. Her favorite color is greenish-transparent and her favorite movie is the one you just watched. Emja is in charge of uploading the staff bios to the website, and no one has checked over her work. *name has been changed