When I was 13, my 7th grade boyfriend’s parents had a shower with two heads in it. I immediately picked up on the sexual chemistry between his parents with that one home detail. It’s possible that someone in the family strove to be really clean, but something tells me that the Simons weren’t too worried about anyone thinking they might enjoy getting dirty together. I don’t remember anything about the rest of their house, but twenty years later, those two shower heads, located in the 1st floor bathroom, no less, are still lodged in my brain. Now, with my own house to decorate, I’m forever on the prowl for items that will really make my home my own without completely alienating my family on holidays. If I found these items in your home, I’d presume the weren’t left by the previous inhabitants.
1. Leather Drawer Pulls
When I saw these drawer pulls in House Beautiful, I immediately got online to find out how to get my hands on these. Made by Walnut Studiolo, the leather pulls are cleanly designed and durable enough for repeated use. While they’re also available in two shades of brown and a tan, the black drawer pulls are just edgy enough to add a mischievous air to an an otherwise cheery kitchen. Let’s be honest-if you have black leather in your kitchen, I’ll bet you have even more hanging in the back of your bedroom closet.
2. The Tantra Chair
This sensuous, curved lounger is designed with more than sitting (unless it’s on a face) in mind. When I first saw the Tantra Chair, the chair was new on the luxury sex aid market and the colors were limited. Now, with a little saving (or generous gifting, ahem), I can get a Napa green Tantra Chair with brass nailheads to match my green home office. You know, where I keep all of my sex books and some toys. While the Tantra Chair is totally marketed for sexual use, the sleek and modern design lends an air of sophistication to a room without screaming “sex toy.” Speaking of modern design, I wonder if people have been buying Le Corbusier’s LC4 chaise for the same purposes. If you have that in your house, I might give you some.
3. Ornate Iron Headboard
I loathe decorative headboards. I hate having extra, superfluous accessories in my bedroom, and the headboard is truly the bane of my home decorating existence. Unless you’re going to really use it for something, it belongs on the street on trash day. However, a sturdy, metal headboard is nothing short of a discreet bondage rig. This vintage Salterini headboard offers so many possibilities without the frou-frou dreck I see so often in metal headboards.
4. This paper towel holder
If you see one of these in someone’s house and it is not actively supporting a roll of paper towels, please understand that it is being used to to make a mess, not to help clean one up. I can’t even imagine how many asses Crate & Barrel has made happier with this one.
5. BDSM coasters
To some, the coaster is merely a device to prevent a human from messing up the finish on the furniture with their drink. However, if I see these coasters in your house, especially if you have leather drawer pulls in your kitchen, I will get the hint. The next thing I’ll want to find is a leather belt and a wooden spoon, if you catch my drift. I might fuck up the finish on your ass cheeks if you’re a bad host.
6. A tea infuser that doubles as an “aphrodisiac herb necklace”
You and I are too smart to fall for the old “aphrodisiac herb neck” trick. Maybe you think it looks like a tea infuser, but my ears are ringing from hearing this photo scream “ANAL BEADS” into them. Made by Philippe Di Méo, in collaboration with The Orfevrerie d’Anjou and Jean-Claude Charlet of the Carre des Simples, for the exhibit Souper Fin, the infuser was part of a series of sexy creations. Here are the rest of the items (with recipes!).