Ask a Perv

The Top Three Reasons I Don’t Do Porn

Back Door is Not OpenI have totally thought about doing porn. I don’t think I’m special in this respect either. Getting paid to have sex sounds like the perfect answer to anyone’s money woes. Hell, I wish I could get a paycheck for every hobby I have-needlepoint, reading, being ridiculous with my pets, photography, etc. However, I think fucking is my only extracurricular interest that could really pay big. Yet, I’ve a short list of solid reasons why I will never be a porn star.

1. I don’t look that good. (And I’m not going to try much harder to do so.)

I’m not fishing for compliments and I don’t consider myself butt ugly. I have fucked-up personal standards for my own daily appearance that are way higher than I would expect someone to consider reaching. You know, like, impossible. I should be free of back fat, cellulite, and under-eye circles, and enjoy a taut jawline and face. The fact is that I’m nearing 33, and I look normal for my age. I’m not thin and I’m not toned. I fail every day. And not to mention, I’d all butterfingers when it comes to winged eyeliner.

I Look Like the Penguin from Batman

Sometimes I think I look like this.

The truth is, I look fine and can live with the body I have. After all, it all works properly. AND I have no interest in the body maintenance that comes with being a sex symbol. I go to the gym to stay sane and feel good, but fuck going for hours a day. And hell no, I’m not dieting. I eat decently, and could eat better, but I will lose my mind relentlessly counting calories. I once went to a Brazilian steakhouse for dinner with a few adult performers, and I did not envy them. I ate all of the meat! I tasted nearly every hunk and even went for seconds. It’s sad watching sexy folks eat salads at Fogo De Chão. Count me out.

2. I’m such a germaphobe.

I know the recent HIV cases in the porn world have really raised a lot of eyebrows in- and outside of the adult entertainment community. HIV and other STIs are a legitimate fear for anyone. I do feel as though the porn industry does a damn good job of screening its talent, and I’m not here to argue about that. I think porn performers are more on top of their health status than the average bar lay. I’m just telling you that I am so easily skeeved by humans that I see germs everywhere. I believe every surface on Earth is covered with poop, no matter how miniscule the particles. We’re all covered in it and a variety of other germs. I love Giant Microbes, but these are the only germs that don’t “bug” me. (Couldn’t resist.) If I let you kiss me, please know what it takes for me to hush my fears and mix mucus membranes with you. I love kissing, but I’m also worried about the case of thrush I’m imagining you have.

Giant Microbes Army of Germs

Don’t kiss me if these are your boys.

3. I don’t think I can handle that much pounding.

I salute porn performers for their exceptional efforts in human physical efforts. Not only are they working out, eating well, and maintaining the appearance of our living fantasies, they often fuck in ways that I can’t handle. As in, no one gets to slam my back door. I’m not mad at anal sex or anything, but when I watch a porn star take a hefty, ball-smacking ram job, my own ass cringes. I cringe the same way when I watch liposuction videos. I just don’t want to do that, and I really don’t want to see that process from any close camera angles. When anal sex comes up with the gents, I have to shoot them down. I say it nicely, but I feel like this on the inside.

No Aggressive Anal Sex, Please

That’s it. Now you know why I only fuck for fun.

Share

About Dee

I'm a blogger, photographer, and collector of human sexuality information.