The Fornicator

On Boobs

It’s a Wednesday, and it’s raining in Philadelphia. It’s time to address my fascination with boobs.

source: tumblr


This is so not an explanation of WHY I ogle breasts. I have, absolutely no idea, and apparently, neither does anyone else. I just do, and I’m proud to say so. Am I a lesbian? No, I do not identify as a lesbian or bi-sexual. But I will outright stare at your bouncing cleavage walking down the street and fill my tumblr with boob rolls. In fact, it bums me a bit to search google for “why do we love boobs?” and “why do men love boobs so much” pops up in the first three pages. What the hell?! I’m transfixed too! And that counts by my constant touching and groping of my own.


So now comes the juicy parts, the tell-all moment that every blogger must accept and concede to. How far have I gone with boobs in my past? I’ve been flashed multiple times, mostly by friends with boob jobs or the occasional drunken night where we admit to each other to bare all. I can’t tell you how many I’ve felt up. It’s easier as a girl, and sometimes it’s for research purposes by comparison  (hahahaha). Then one night, last year, when I just couldn’t stop talking to this one girl at a party because she was fun, the drunk make-out happened. I was curious how far my alcohol-soaked mind would take me (sorry to spoiler alert but I won’t go below the belt). We slipped into the bathroom, and she immediately ripped off my shirt and the tongue started working. I was dizzy, I kind of liked it, but it felt strange. So I sucked it up and returned the favor and then someone knocked on the door. Nothing ever remotely close to that happened again, but I haven’t forgotten it, and still remember the way she moaned and how I was breathing.


But, for the most part, I really just like looking at them. I refuse to call them “the girls”, because, just shut up. Just shut up, Cosmo, and your stupid advice.


nothing says sexy like someone mocking scissors to cut your nipples off


where in the WORLD is this considered sexy? dyeing your nipples.

is this a paid article?


this is what you’re doing while “waiting for your guy to get home”??

stalker advice

all guys like sports and boobs right? this will make them like you

and the best one:

fuck. off.

Yes, I know how to count. But did you read this shit? I honestly couldn’t stop at six. It’s called life, sometimes it lies. Deal.


So after that tragedy, anything else I have to say on boobs is this, yes, I have a preference. I’m sure everyone does. But the point is, they are all great.






subtlety exposed

The source for all those amazing pictures is the Great Beyond of Boobtopia, more commonly known as The Hottest Here. I love them. Please visit them and follow them and adore them.


Now that I’ve stared at so many pictures of boobs I’m distracted. And you should be, too. Now get back to work. Or skip work and go straight to further tease-and-release.




About emja

Emja* was born in Björk’s house in Iceland and grew up on Easter Island, where her parents were giant stone heads. She has the ability to fire beams of tacos out of her hands and she can turn her legs into tigers. On Sundays, Emja enjoys reading Family Circus and traveling through time. Her favorite color is greenish-transparent and her favorite movie is the one you just watched. Emja is in charge of uploading the staff bios to the website, and no one has checked over her work. *name has been changed