The Fornicator

Gift Yourself Sex Toys, Sex Games, and Sex

Last-minute but equally as rewarding, it’s time to turn to the sexier side of things with only two days left before Christmas. Now that everything is wrapped for everyone else, buy yourself the orgasm that keeps giving all year-round. We also completely advocate gifting these for anyone on your list who might dig a sex toy as well; we cover all the bases. Most of these, when ordered online at least, won’t make it under the tree in time for the big day, but do you really want your mother watching you unopen that or passing by the unwrapped “surprise” under the tree?


The Beginner

nsnovelties Decoller Vibrating Massager



Great for the one who can’t do “big”, this little guy looks like a Pac Man ghost and functions like the infamous rabbit. At only about three insertable inches, the wand is just a bit longer than a pen for easy handheld guidance. And it’s blue. Man do I love blue.


The Bronie and Animal Tail Swisher

Crystal Delights Tasha’s Reignbow Pony Plug

These are the most beautiful butt plugs we’ve ever seen, and personally trying them, even the butt plug virgins wanted to be first in line to review! This line freshly released by Crystal Delights with Tasha Reign comes in many colors, weighted by a smooth and richly rounded bulb of glass. Beauty and function come together here for a breathtaking sex toy.


Crystal Minx Magnetic Bunny Tail Plug

I have never been excited to wiggle my butt more. The smooth glass on this tail is just as easy as the above to use, and while the bunny pouf is certainly adorable, the magnet attachment means you can easily switch it out for the Kitty gem magnet or another color.


The Size Queen

Blush Novelties Wild Ride

This top seller is the secret that I wanted to share with everyone and no one at the same time. Coming in at 9″ length and a 2″ girth, this is pretty damned sizable for a waterproof, vibrating dildo. It’s powerful, big, and comes in three colors that just up the fun, fuckable appeal.


The Couple

Evolved Novelties Bendable You Too

As Evolved Novelties explains, “Love is a two-way street, so why not indulge your desires together?” This seven-function vibrating clitoral, anal, and G-spot massager is inserted pre-bang, and not removed until you both slide into home. Small enough for wiggle room during play, it’s also powerful enough to enjoy alone.



The Squee Slave

nsnovelties Muse Massager

Is this not the cutest thing you can ever put near your vagina and not feel awkward about?! The muse bunny should be the mascot of sex toys, because then we would never feel uncomfortable about using them. The fact that it lights up and does its job quickly is even more heaven, and if you ask, yes I keep mine clean but out on display on my nightstand.


The Here, Take Everything

ScreamingO Nice & Naughty Holiday Gift Bag

When you really just can’t determine how to gift someone a gigantic orgasm, know that even sex toys come in gift-bag form. Screaming O’s includes vibrators, rings, condoms, climax cream, etc. Nothing in here will disappoint, but especially not the element of surprise and variety.


The Can I Just Have a Sexy Game Instead?

Kheper Games Casino Boudoir

If you prefer to only have human skin near your baby bits, wtf could go wrong with a game? Answer: nothing. And this goes beyond the standard positioning games or the truth or dare sexcapades. This kit comes filled with Vegas-quality roulette, craps, blackjack and slot machine games, but who needs money when you have sex moves to play with?




The Oh Yeah, Right There

Topco Sales Arctic Wave G-Spot Vibe

You have three insertable inches to work with here, and they are designed to aim right at that special spot. Also waterproof, the Arctic Wave has the unique loophole handle so nothing gets lost or buttons don’t accidentally stop you mid-scream. The silky soft silicone material won’t snag against your skin and feels incredibly smooth.


The Close Enough

Blush Novelties Real Nude Suko

The entirety of the Real Nude line is freaking amazing — they’re all pure silicone and use something called Sensa Feel, which means it’s firm on the inside and soft on the outside. I just picked Suko because I love the girth it offers. Perfect for temperature play, Real Nude dildos also have a suction cup base, which is something I’ve always wanted! It’s a great stress-and-anger reliever — you pop it on the wall and then pop that anger off.


The I Said Get Me Flowers, Bitch

Evolved Novelties Bendable Rose


$25 at

Just because we’re discussing sex toys doesn’t mean you can’t preserve a little tradition here and there. Besides, this rose never dies ( least not permanently. Energizers are always available at Walgreens). And isn’t there something so erotic about using flowers to get you off? Or am I the only one that remembers 40 Days and 40 Nights? The bendable fauna will hold shape and is package with a bouquet-holding ribbon…that could double as an accessory.


About emja

Emja* was born in Björk’s house in Iceland and grew up on Easter Island, where her parents were giant stone heads. She has the ability to fire beams of tacos out of her hands and she can turn her legs into tigers. On Sundays, Emja enjoys reading Family Circus and traveling through time. Her favorite color is greenish-transparent and her favorite movie is the one you just watched. Emja is in charge of uploading the staff bios to the website, and no one has checked over her work. *name has been changed